Episode Summary: 

When you marry, your heart overflows with enthusiasm, exhilaration, and optimism. You can’t wait to start a new life with this one whose mere presence or voice causes an abundance of feel-good neurotransmitters to your brain.

But soon after, differences in temperament, gender, family of origin, and marital expectations collide. You discover that the characteristics and behaviors you once found attractive in your mate, are now sources of irritation and frustration. Conflict erupts, causing reactivity in your temperament to surface more often. Before long, your dialogue degrades with frequent accusations and debates about perspective.

The enemy in this fight isn’t your spouse. Unmanaged reactivity, those involuntary and unregulated reactive messages you inadvertently send your spouse when you’re triggered is the culprit. Today, Dr. Donald Welch joins me to talk about how to recognize reactivity, understand its origin and work together to eliminate it, learning to respond rather than react in our marriages.

Quotables from the episode:

• The enemy is not your spouse.
• Our temperament is really the way God made us. And so understanding how we are made allows us to become more comfortable and really at peace with who we are and who we are not, because we're created in God's image. And as we embrace our natural temperament, we are then in a better position to also accept and embrace our spouses temperament rather than trying to change them into someone they aren't. Before marriage, there's a tendency to attract to the opposite and after marriage to attack that opposite when it's really one of our best friends in a healthy marriage. So, as we learn more about our temperament, we can focus on enhancing our strengths and minimizing our weaknesses.
• The way God made us is to be able to protect ourselves. So for example, if I were to touch or you were to touch something hot, your hand or my hand would react before the brain knows it's hot. It's a way to protect ourselves. So what happens with the limbic system is that we can have all sorts of reactions. Like for example, if I squint my eyes, the other person or we're having dialogue, you might involuntarily react to it. Or if somebody screams or you hear something sharp, you might have a reaction to be awakened to see, do I need to take care of something? So we have hundreds of these normal reactions, and I've seen it for 40 years in marriages, in the sense of working with couples, that they will tend to react to each other before they're aware and then they're off to the races, and it's difficult to decrease that. So I define reactivity as involuntary, unconscious thought, uncontrolled relationship, impeding behaviors that originate from the feeling part of our brain known as the limbic system.
• We can have these involuntary reactions in a marriage that actually set up the marriage for difficulty. So since these originate from the feeling part of the brain rather than the thinking part of the brain, they're largely outside of our conscious awareness, so it can make it insidious to the relationship. So we want awareness.
• Is it possible that we react to present conflict even based out of past wounds in other relationships? - Oh yes, that's very common. In fact, it's why unfortunately, second marriages move up to about 80 % of potentially divorce because they're bringing in those reactions. In my opinion, those reactions, and there's what I believe support this, is that those reactions are coming into the relationship. And so now that person reminds me of something from the past. That's why those first eight years of life for any child are incredibly important because we are, the way our brains design, we absorb emotion and then that emotion can stay with us and then we can practice it without even knowing and then it's a reaction into adulthood.
• You suggest that the greater a couple's differences, the more likely their marriage will be to succeed. And that's not what society typically says, so help us understand that a bit. Yes, that's a fascinating concept that really God created the opposite, man and woman. And may I just quickly tie into this idea of wounds and how it may impact your current question because many people believe that their past is the past and it does not affect them now. Others may believe that their past can affect them but they think they have dealt with it and it is now irrelevant. The truth is emotions never forget.
• There is nothing ambiguous about marriage in the Bible. It is far superior to any other permutation—offering stability for kids, security for spouses, and higher rates of happiness overall.
• Intimacy only exists in an environment filled with trust and loyalty.
• Intimacy can be defined as a close relationship that does not operate at the expense of the self, with a self that does not operate at the expense of