Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?
April 18, 2017
6 Steps To Help Move Past Infidelity
Evan was a happily married professor whose students often came to office hours asking for advice and recommendations for graduate work. With two kids and no intention of straying from his marriage, he certainly considered it unethical to have a relationship with a student. [caption id="attachment_36114" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Credit: ©Thinkstock/AntonioGuillem[/caption] But his resolve slipped with a woman, not his student, who made an appointment to explore grad school options in the department. She was at a crossroads, recently divorced and looking for ways to increase her income. Perhaps it was the combination of her neediness and her looks that led Evan to accept her first invitation for coffee. Their affair had gone on for a month when his wife, Kelly, found a telltale text. The affair hurt her to the core, and Evan felt awful. He came to me for advice on repairing the breach he’d created. [rsnippet id="3" name="Article-Ad"] I wanted to speak separately to each of them. Broadsided when she found the text, Kelly would have packed up and left if it weren’t for the children, ages five and nine. Having taken time out from her career to stay at home while the children were young, she didn’t have an income at the moment. And Evan’s pleading and remorse suggested that leaving might be throwing away her marriage just to salve her devastated pride. Is rebuilding trust in your marriage possible after betrayal? The answer, as I told Evan and Kelly, is YES. Here are the six steps couples can take to successfully move past infidelity:1. The offender needs to come completely clean and purge every remnant of the affair and every connection with the paramour.
That means cutting off all lines of communication with the source of betrayal, whether that’s an individual, prostitutes, pornography, or some other temptation.2. The guilty spouse needs to show remorse and affirm his commitment to the marriage.
He must admit wrongdoing and humbly accept any emotions his spouse expresses. RELATED: 5 Lies From The Enemy When Infidelity Attacks Your Marriage3. You should wait.
The initial wound is so deep that it disables rational decision-making, and most experts say to wait months before deciding to end the marriage, even if the urge is to flee immediately. You may want to avoid talking about the affair during this waiting period, allowing emotions to cool, or you may wish to talk.4. When the initial trauma subsides, talk it through.
If the marriage is to survive, the partners need to be direct in asking and answering questions about the betrayal. Be aware that some lines of inquiry might exacerbate pain rather than resolve it. But if the wounded spouse requires information, it is pertinent. [rsnippet id="2" name="ArticleAd-300x250-3"]5. Build transparency into the marriage.
To reconstruct trust, the unfaithful party (and ideally both partners) must not just be honest, but transparent. Honesty is what couples expect when their relationships maintain their original high level of trust. Honesty is simply describing events and feelings completely and accurately. Once that has been violated, something more is needed. Transparency allows the hurt partner, if she chooses, to corroborate her spouse’s assertions. For example, an errant husband could give his wife passwords and access to his cell phone, calendar, and credit card purchases. More important than her actually checking these sources is the offender’s willingness to open up every corner of his communication, time, and expenditures. Her ability to spot-check at will allows her to rebuild confidence in her partner’s truthfulness. For Evan, the repairs really began when he started incorporating phone calls to Kelly throughout his day. When he got to work, he’d phone. When he left his office to head to class, another call. After class, a third call, and before coming home, another phone call. Evan volunteered to touch base with Kelly like this to prove that he cared enough to connect, to reassure her that she was his first priority, and to confirm that he wasn’t where he shouldn’t be. These calls became part of his wife’s and his daily routines. Even if all he said in one of these calls was, “This morning I read two journal articles and prepared for my afternoon class,” connection to Kelly shaped Evan’s day. With a quick “Hey, Kel, how was your yoga class?” he showed that he remembered his wife’s schedule and cared about her life. RELATED: How to Find God’s Grace When Waiting for Prodigals6. At some point—perhaps after the marriage regains its equilibrium— the couple needs to address the problems in the relationship and in the straying individual that led to the betrayal.
This is best done with a therapist or a support network. Sorting through deeper problems is not a do-it-yourself project. Evan and Kelly worked through their feelings about the affair in counseling. Confirming honesty was essential. Evan’s stealth and the violation of trust had hurt Kelly. But before this lapse, the relationship was solid, and since deception wasn’t an ingrained pattern, rebuilding was easier. This article was excerpted from Diane Medved’s new book Don’t Divorce: Powerful Arguments for Saving and Revitalizing Your Marriage, available now. Credit: CrosswalkYou May Like: A Prayer For Wives Who Don’t Feel Loved
Today's Devotional
A Prayer for Transforming Worry into Trust - Your Daily Prayer - October 24
Worrying does nothing to benefit our lives in any way; it only takes away. It takes away the present moments and present joy you could experience, not to mention it takes away from a peaceful life.
Today's Devotional
A Prayer for Transforming Worry into Trust - Your Daily Prayer - October 24
Worrying does nothing to benefit our lives in any way; it only takes away. It takes away the present moments and present joy you could experience, not to mention it takes away from a peaceful life.
Past Stories
- An Iguana Hitches a Ride on a Garbage Truck in Tennessee, Now Trying to Find Its Owner
- 6-Year-Old Starts 'Poop Scooping' Business to Help Animals and Adopt One of His Own
- Bride's dad Drops During Father-Daughter Dance, but Things Lined up Perfectly to Save His Life
- Young North Carolina Father Risked His Life To Save a Couple and Dog From a Sinking Truck
- UPS Driver Jumps into Action As He Spots Elderly Woman on the Ground & Says It Was All God
- Rescuer Braces for the Worst After Spotting Kitten on the Side of the Road, Then Sees a Paw Move
- AJ Griffin Gives Up High-Paying Career with NBA to Follow God
- These Former Conjoined Twins Finally Go Home After Their First Birthday
- Teenager From Iowa Uses His Flying Skills to Help Hurricane Helene Victims
- Son Saves For 9 Months and Surprises Mom By Paying Off Her Mortgage
- Woman's Home is Surrounded By 100 Raccoons, and They Aren't Leaving Anytime Soon
- Dog Saves Her Owner's Life By Sitting in the Middle of the Road
- Widower Shares the Last Thing His Wife Told Their Son Before She Passed Away From Cancer
- A Nurse Saved Her Life 35 Years Ago, Now, She is Surprising Her With a Visit
- These Twin Sisters Have An Important Message To Share On Their 102nd Birthday
- This Brave 5-Year-Old Saved Her Mother's Life By Calling 911
- 79-Year-Old Broke Her Ankle After Scattering Her Mom's Ashes, Then Strangers Save the Day
- Dad Travels Through Mud and Debris to Walk His Daughter Down the Aisle
- Owner's Trip to the Vet with Unwell Dog Results in the Craziest X-Ray
- After Getting Lost in Yellowstone, This Precious Cat Made His Way Back Home To California
- Mom's Funny Response To Daughter's Dirty Sock On The Floor Goes Viral & Ends Up Doing Good
- A Kidnapped Boy Is Found After 70 Years and Reunited With His Family
- This Puppy Was Found With a Note That Read 'Help Me,' Now He's Looking For a New Home
- Excited Mom Couldn't Wait to See Son's Back to School Pictures, but Funny Results Make Her LOL
- When This Police Officer Pulled Her Over, He Changed Her Life Forever
- She Just Met Her Vietnam Veteran Father After 50 Years, Now He is Walking Her Down the Aisle
- Fearless Father Waits on Porch to Catch the Stranger Peeking in His Daughter's Window
- This 5th Grade Teacher Eats Lunch In the Cafeteria Every Day
- Amy Grant Has a New Perspective After Losing Her 'Superpower' in Bike Accident
- 'God Did It' Says 18-Year-Old After Waking Up From a Coma Following a Crash
- These Four Sisters Share a Birthday, Which is Quite the Miracle
- Dad Harmony Sings a Beautiful A Cappella Rendition of ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love'
- Couple's Outstanding Boogie Woogie Dance Performance
- Siblings’ Cover of Dolly Parton’s Classic ‘I Will Always Love You’ Is Incredible
- Pastor and Wife Were Killed in a Car Accident, But Their Kids Have a Message of Hope
- Outstanding 'Amazing Grace' Cover Music Video by Celtic Woman
- Carrie Underwood Helps With Leading Worship at Tennessee Church
- 8-Year-Old Kid's To-Do List Goes Viral As a Wholesome Reminder for Us All
- 'Holy Forever' Lyric Video by Chris Tomlin and CAIN
- Elementary Teacher Talks About the Power of Words and Kindness By Using Toothpaste
- Prayers Pour in for Loretta Lynn's Family After the Death of the Late Singer's First Grandchild
- Dennis Quaid Singing 'On My Way To Heaven" is an Inspiring Performance
- Charming Elderly Couple Share Sweet Dance to 'Have You Ever Seen The Rain?"
- Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick Adorably Sing a Sassy Duet to Celebrate 36 Years of Marriage
- Rory Feek Performs Beautiful Tune 'I Do' After Finding Love Again
- Driver Shows Up to Deliver Pizza to Elderly Man's House, Then Comes Back with His Lawnmower
- What Parents & Grandparents Don't Know About 'Easy' Recipe Trend Could Be Dangerous
- Nearly 1,500 Students Gather to Worship Jesus at Texas A&M Revival
- 96-Year-Old Shares the Secret to a Happy Life and His Words of Wisdom Are Truly Inspiring
- In God's Divine Timing, Wedding Ring Is Returned to Man's Widow After It's Lost for 60+ Years
Top Music Videos
CCM Magazine Steven Curtis Chapman Shares the Heartfelt Message that Helped While Grieving His Daughter
Crowder Crowder Moving Official 'Somebody Prayed' Music Video
The Statler Brothers 'Til the Storm Passes By' The Statler Brothers Live Performance
Mandisa Mandisa - Shackles (Praise You)
Anne Wilson Anne Wilson 'The Cross' Powerful Lyric Video
Blogs
At GodTube, you’ll find daily inspirational videos to lift your spirits and encourage you in your walk with God. Popular videos include worship music from your favorite Christian artists, cute videos with adorable kids and animals, hilarious videos from Christian comedians, user-uploaded videos, and clean viral videos to brighten your day.